Get high the Malaysian way 101

Ng Eng Kiat, November 9, 2007

English, Eng Kiat, Columns |

‘Sensational journalism’ devoured its latest victim Wednesday when Zainuddin Maidin apparently “lost his head” at the 2007 UMNO General Assembly.

The Information Minister, popularly known as Zam, was asked by a Star reporter to comment on a police report lodged against his party, but did not hear the question because of surrounding noise.

Standing just beside him, a (independent non-government aligned online newspaper) Malaysiakini reporter repeated the question only to be asked to identify himself first and was subsequently admonished for being part of an organisation allegedly hellbent on sensationalising news.

Of course, that would not sound all too sensational in very-Asian Malaysia where, yes, ministers go round admonishing the press and everybody else except themselves. But surely, we do not see ministers smoking from the ears every day as exemplified in Zam’s diatribe spat towards that young journalist.

“You people are nonsense! Nonsense! You are very low!”

One can only wonder if Zam was high on something when he, to put it plainly, lost it.

Indeed, I am not trying to imply that he smoked grass or chased mythical animals, Malaysian politicians do not do that sort. Still, Zam and his ruling government chums need their dose of high, and usually find themselves elevated to heavenly heights of high through a number of legitimate sounding schemes.

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Get high the Malaysian way 101

1. With power comes authority. Misusing your authority in Malaysia, however, does not equate to a misuse of power. Hence, the usage of draconian acts like the Internal Security Act, Seditions Act, Official Secrets Act, Printing Presses and Publications Act, and Emergency Ordinance for any reason (those political included) is always an act of exercising power in the name of preserving a Bolehvalue otherwise known as national aspirations - definitely not misuse of power. (High Factor: Some humans get high seeing fellow humans tortured in cages, I know that’s why my brother watches WWE.)

2. With wealth comes mobility. Remember, communism is your enemy. Accumulation of wealth is legitimate, period. We are too third world to talk about illegitimate means. The only “things” that can be branded illegitimate in this country are (a) illegal immigrants, (b) illegal drugs, (c) illegal peaceful gatherings, (d) illegal DVDs, and (e) unnatural sex. We have to continuously strive for economic development, and Uncle Zam wants you sweeping his corridors. (High Factor: A Dato’s signature gets things done triply fast, and if I can help you get you to become our PM’s buddy, get a Tan Sri-ship, and the position of highest judge of the land, all for the sake of Malaysiaku Gemilang, wouldn’t you be high?)

3. With the biggest erections come pride. What have we not got up into (and beyond) the skies? It matters not if another Kampung Berembang gets demolished when you have the third tallest building (that was once the tallest) building in the world. It matters not if another 100 Mariamman Temples are broken when you have (still) the tallest twin towers in the world. It matters not if that street kebab joint you erected gets closed down even before you can start operations when you can escape 37 charges of corruption and welcome the entire village to the opening of your 21-bedroom palace. (High Factor: Sitting on the 88th floor of any building is quite high, no?)

4. With good PR comes votes. And without bad PR comes even more votes. Which is why people like Zam all the more need RTM. Malaysiakini’s still capture of Zam (above) serves to show the real side of people sitting on the heavenly thrones of Malaysia’s dusty cabinet. So dusty that when a free press blows but a bit, our ministers sneeze like they have never before. Reading about experiences of police torture, watching a video clip exposing top level corruption implicating the three sacred pillars of democracy in your country, and having a free press poke their noses around your kebab stall are incidences that are sensationally painful and should indeed be banned. (High Factor: If you and your friends can be world-saving heroes in every comic strip inside the newspapers every day, wouldn’t that be quite a high?)

This manual shall not be limited to the above four recommendations alone and like any pretentious academic field of study, further research is needed to explain Malaysia’s complex but distinctly obvious decline.

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We have MPs who, variably, want enforcement agencies to “close one eye”, insult women by joking about menstruation, tell people who are of another race to return to their forefather’s country, and say that someone in a wheelchair is being punished by God. And we have a PM who suddenly declares the nation an Islamic state, governed not by the Syariah only, but within the terms of something only heard in this part of South East Asia - Islam Hadhari, leaving us with some ambiguity, which is good as it confuses Malaysians and render them intellectually incapacitated to debate on anything about religion.

Yet, this country heads in decline so optimistically. Wouldn’t you be optimistic when all your Prime Minister cares about (regarding elections) is the feel good factor? Heck, you should just ring him up when you feel like, uhm, “feeling good.”

In a live telecast featuring an international video conference before the lift-off of Malaysia’s first angkasawan into space, DPM Najib’s (in Kuala Lumpur) first question to Science Minister Jamaluddin Jarjis (in Baikonur) was, “how is our angkasawan feeling? What is his mental state?”

Two days later, after the Soyuz spacecraft carrying the angkasawan docked at the ISS, Jamaluddin’s first question to Sheikh Muszaphar was, “Congratulations, we are very proud of you! How do you feel? Tell us how you feel.”

I felt nothing but extreme levels of lowness (if you get what I mean, Zam).

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